she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
They took my balls.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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