Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
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