Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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