Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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