So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
