Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Randomize
