Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
