once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
