The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
