i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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