see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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