my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
