It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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