Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
