I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
