why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
zippers are such a cool invention
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
