happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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