My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
