i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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