i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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