What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize