I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
