come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I looked at my own cervix.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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