I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize
