Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
