We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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