I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
