Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Randomize