i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
