Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
