Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
What a dumb baby whore.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
