omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
