Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
