Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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