Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
