I saw his package. It spoke to me.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
zippers are such a cool invention
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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