Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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