I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
