I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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