someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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