Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
