drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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