have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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