her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
