In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
