fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
love makes seman taste better
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
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