Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
