Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
