Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize