what day is it and did you see me today?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize