Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
