I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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