Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
