Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
