I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
