at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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