Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
