Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
