My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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