Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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