Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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