what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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