I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
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