The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
