How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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