you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
