I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
