so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
