My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
