He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
