either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
My cat gives me a boner
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
