I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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