i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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